Happy A-Ha Holidays

Name: Heldy
Drug of choice: alcohol
Clean date: 7/24/17
Days sober: 1 year, 4 months 4 days

It seems I naturally come back here each month. I obviously am no longer holding myself to a particular schedule, and this is working for me.

This time of year is always tricky, but this time I know exactly why. It’s not all the booze everywhere. It’s all the socializing. Something I have finally really accepted about myself is that I’m an introvert. Putting myself in social situations is not comfortable for me. At all. I can do it, but it’s really difficult for me, especially mustering any motivation to go (which may be the worst part). Generally, I will find some pleasure in it, but for the most part, it’s just not comfortable.

So now, here we are again. That time of year when I have to be social (and I do have to be social – this is a requirement). I am still an introvert, only now I am an introvert that doesn’t fit in. I realized recently that THAT is the part about drinking that I actually miss the most at this point. It’s bad enough being an introvert in a social setting, but let’s add onto that the fact that I’m one of only a couple, but usually THE only one, without a drink in my hand (and wondering if they’re wondering as to why).  I miss feeling like I kind of belong.

It’s a small price for all the positive things not drinking does for me (like being alive at all) and I will get over it, especially now that I have figured out that it’s that that has me feeling so uncomfortable. Being able to name it helps. I’m an introvert who sticks out a little more because I don’t drink. Yay. Again, I’ll get over it.

As an aside, I finally read the entire “This Naked Mind”, and I have to say, I found it a little infuriating. In the beginning, I was really excited because I could relate to what she was describing as my drinking. As it went on, however, she states over and over that everyone is in a different stage of alcohol dependence, and then periodically denies she said that. I have lived with a man for 20 years that I can count on 1 hand how many times he overindulged.  It hasn’t gotten progressively more. He drinks every day, and he never drinks too much. He has an evening ritual, but I’ve watched him not drink if he’s sick, not drink at parties, etc., etc. Now maybe it was true in her experience that everyone in her life has a problem. That’s just not the case in my life, and I found the book irritating because of it. That and her continued contradictions about it. That said, in true dialectic form, it was also useful to read. I also had a renewed appreciation for DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

Speaking of…

I continue to go to a weekly class with my daughter, and I finally determined I really must meditate every day, so that’s something I am doing. I have associated it with my morning coffee. I meditate before I can pour a cup. It’s working. Today was day 24.

Homework:

I watched this yesterday and found it super useful.

Happy Holidays!

– Heldy

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