So, since the last post, I’ve discovered a few things. First, as I mentioned about seeing booze everywhere, not wanting it but resenting that it wasn’t an option (resenting is a strong word. Annoyed.), I no longer feel that. I think the mere act of writing about it diffused any energy left there. Poof. I don’t resent it. It is what it is. I still see it, but it carries very little more energy than the bread on the table I can’t touch. The longer away from it, the easier it is, and the more I admit what I feel as I feel, whether in my head or here on this blog, the more the energy shifts away from that. I don’t drink and I’m really fucking okay with that.
I have discovered this doesn’t just apply to my relationship with alcohol. It applies to anything I am feeling. As I mentioned before, that documentary and post conversation about sexual abuse triggered me in a way that really surprised me. I had thought I had dealt with most of the stuff, but more came out and clearly, it made me emotional. Just writing about it here pretty much healed that for me, so when I went to the therapist I’d chosen, it was actually quite an unpleasant experience.
I spent an hour giving her my full, sorry, sad and cringeworthy background in regards to this issue. I hate talking about these things. It made me cry, which I also hate. I find it embarrassing, especially in regards to these things. I feel such a sense of shame, as the pattern repeated itself over the years and in multiple ways with multiple people, and I’ve carried the weight of feeling responsible on some level for all of it. Logically, I know this is bullshit. If I were hearing about this from someone else about someone else, it would be clear to me that this wasn’t their fault. I KNOW this; I just wish I felt this. I would love to feel this. The fact is, I don’t dwell on it at all, but when it does come up, I feel shame. I have my entire life felt like damaged goods just faking it. I also feel like I’ve done a really good job of dealing with it for the most part.
That said, I left the session feeling worse than I did going in. She nodded at all the right times but didn’t explore anything with me. I felt exposed and silly, as I have worked on all of this before and made peace for the most part with it, so bringing it up again was just really unpleasant and embarrassing.
I get more out of this blog than that, and it’s clear to me that just acknowledging feelings goes a long way to diffusing the energy around it and moving forward.
I have lied to keep people close to me, and I don’t want to anymore. Certain things have happened to me that I have denied sparing others’ feelings about those involved, and I don’t want to do that anymore, AND I don’t want to dwell on it either, as it is over and I am at peace with that part of my past. Denying that it happened though to keep people close to me is damaging to others, and it’s not right or fair, and I am strong enough now to say that.