Drug of choice: alcohol
Clean date: 7/24/17
Days sober: 343
I am feeling excited because I’ve had time to do some serious processing and what I’m feeling now and where I’m at feels like victory.
I took a road trip with my husband last week on his motorcycle. I’ve done day trips before, but nothing this intense. Let me tell you when you’re on the back of one of those things, you have a lot of time to think. When you’re going through spectacular countryside, it’s a moving meditation.
We weren’t alone on this trip. It was a planned group ride. I’m a somewhat socially introverted person until I get my bearings, but it didn’t take too long. The first evening we arranged to all have dinner together at the same restaurant. There were three couples at our table. The subject of wine came up. The other two couples knew each other previously, discovered they all enjoyed wine and had arranged wine tastings together. I mentioned someone in my family working in that industry and threw a couple names out there of places they may have visited. I was then asked if I drank wine. It was funny, because I had been rehearsing this answer for almost a year, and here it was, the first time someone asked me. I answered that I used to, but I had developed hideous migraines and didn’t anymore. The answer is perfectly true, even if it wasn’t complete. There it was and there it went as quickly as it came up, it was over.
Did I wish I could have joined them in tasting the wine they picked out that evening? Sure. Did it haunt me? Not at all.
I do think, as A Good Wife pointed out in the last entry, wanting a glass of wine with dinner or people is perfectly normal. I’ll never forget my counselor at the treatment center I went to saying of all the addictions to beat, alcohol was the hardest, not because of the physical hold on someone, but the social one. You don’t get served a cocaine menu, or are casually asked if you like heroin. You don’t see crack ads on television (though opioids are another story). You don’t have a meth aisle at the grocery store.
As I have found, with a little patience and reflection, I get my answers. This time was no different. I realized that for me, the peace I sought around this subject was one of indifference. That’s what I want around the subject of alcohol, particularly wine.
While riding, I thought about my marriage and how far we’ve come. I thought about who we were when we came together as a couple so many years ago, what baggage we brought with us, what attitudes we identified with, and I thought about how each of us had let things in our own personal lives get out of control and harmed the other and our families with it, and how we both recognized those things, fixed it, and came back together, wounds and all, tighter. We had both really hurt each other, and the hurt perpetuated itself with our destructive forms of dealing with that hurt. I realized it had to have come to a head like that for both of us. It felt like beautiful completion. I felt a sense of serenity I hadn’t before. The larger picture becoming clearer and really quite beautiful, darkness and all.
I also thought about where I am with my relationship to alcohol. I do want to not care, but I need to be patient with me as long as I do. That was Sunday I had that thought. Yesterday while bathing, the indifference hit me. Just. Like. That. Maybe the last bit of struggle I’ve been feeling was the death throes. I don’t have that “maybe I can drink again someday” feeling in me, even if that is possible. It’s a very odd feeling to have, but it’s oh so very welcome.
What I’m working on: Motivation to exercise this body and feed it all the good stuff.
Number of recovery meetings this week: 0, but 1 since the last entry.
Challenge? Balance and motivation. I have a lot of work.
Have you felt triggered since group? No
Do you intend to harm yourself or others? No
Homework: I’ve not seen this, but the link was shared at the Tool Time meeting for SMART last Thursday:
Are you open to feedback? Yes