Drug of choice: alcohol
Clean date: 7/24/17
Days sober: 359
I am feeling curious because with my year sober date just around the corner, I’ve been thinking a lot about what my plans are. I plan to re-read this blog from the beginning, as well as pull out the materials from the treatment center I attended. I am curious how I will feel. I assumed it would be like “playing the tape” in stereo and on an IMAX screen, blasting back all the reasons I never want to go back to where I was when I so desperately sought out help. This morning it occurred to me that rather than viewing the information as a loud and clear cautionary tale, I might actually see the perfection in it. Part of me has been dreading this date because I absolutely feel it is vital I go through all of this material again and I didn’t want to relive the feelings that may invoke, but it really hadn’t occurred to me that perhaps something softer and sweeter will be experienced. Either way, I know it’s important I do this. I don’t plan on checking in here with much on the day. I plan on taking that day to myself to go through this all and reflect. Meditate. Radically accept. Observe brilliant sanity.
I also feel so strongly that if you think alcohol was the problem, you’ll never find the solution. Everyone I know “checks out” in one form or another. Whether it’s a screen binge-watching TV, getting sucked into video games, politics, food, facebook, religion, exercise, drugs, alcohol, shopping, work, you name it; we all do it to some extent (some in more harmful ways than others). At least I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. These things aren’t the problem, at least not initially. Learning how to face the world – to radically accept – is the key. I absolutely 100% believe this. If you don’t fully embrace that, you will spend time escaping in one form or another. I also 100% believe that.
What I’m working on: Radical Acceptance. I picked up the book by Tara Brach titled “Radical Acceptance” and am listening to it, and finding comfort in how universal the need for it is.
Number of recovery meetings this week: 0
Success? I have not missed a day of walking since I last checked in. Diet could still use improving, but it’s better. I’ve only missed my vitamins twice.
Challenge? I have to finish 2017’s taxes.
Have you felt triggered since group? No.
Do you intend to harm yourself or others? No
Homework: So last time, I posted a video on harm reduction for drugs. It wasn’t the info I was looking for. I did agree with it. I had almost forgotten about Portugal. There is so much about the way we treat drug and alcohol use disorders in this country I absolutely do not agree with. I am grateful for much of what I learned in treatment, especially about how the brain changes under chronic use, how it can heal, how to meditate, DBT, and communication skills, but I will admit I found it troubling how marijuana was addressed (not my thing at all, but I know it has been a miracle for many people – yes, it can be a psychological crutch not my thing at all, but I know it has been a miracle for many people – I know people personally who really struggle/ed with it and I am in no way saying it doesn’t cause problems for some people; I just found the way it was addressed as always a bad thing as harmful), and how every issue that was brought up, there was a 12-Step “solution” offered. I personally believe, and believe strongly, that 12-Step programs offer more harm than good. As I mentioned in my last post, one size doesn’t fit all, and I think it’s harmful to so many many people to treat it like it is.
I’ve not watched this:
Are you open to feedback? Yes